Physically Pfffft!

I was flipping through the channels Sunday and I came across the women's French Open quarter finals. On the screen, I see this chick named Patti Schy-something-or-another giving Venus Williams a run for her money. The thing that really caught my eye however was that Patti was playing bra-less and her sweat-soaked white tennis top had pretty much turned into a one-woman wet t-shirt contest.

So I'm sitting there watching this and think to myself "I need to learn how to play tennis!"

Honestly, though, I used to be pretty good a raquetball and handball. I could give tennis a shot, dontcha think? I mean, sure, my knees are not the best and I used to get shin splints every time I played handball, but aside from that, you know...

I start yet another attempt at a diet tomorrow. I've decided on the changes I'm going to make on the eating part, now I just need to figure out the exercize part. I tried the Y for six months one time and didn't lose a pound. Maybe I'll ride my bike, but I don't know if I have anywhere to get up enough speed to make it worth my while, you know?

What I need is a good case of appendicitis and just have them vacuum out 30 or 40 pounds of fat while they're in there. Then they could sculpt the rest into a nice six-pack like I saw them do on the Today Show and voila! I'd be skinny and sexy again! (He says "again" as if he ever truly was sexy even when he was skinny, but let's humor the poor guy, he's going on a diet.)

Actually, the diet part's not bad. I mean, I still get to eat don't I? And some of this diet stuff isn't bad. I will be eating lots of salads and carrots and whole-fruit smoothies. And yogurt! I love yogurt and it's a diet food, isn't it? This morning at 9:30, I went to the grocery store and bought an arm load of yogurt. It's now 11 am and I've already eaten two of them. But I can't help it. The Orange Creme flavored Whipped Fluffy Texture Yogurt is like eating heaven! And don't even get me started on the Raspberry flavored ones. But they've only got 2.5 grams of fat each so I can eat like ten of these and not even come close to, say, a Big Mac.

Then there's the salted stuff. I haven't put salt on any of my food since my dad's health problems started 23 years ago. But the body needs salt and so I end up having salt binges where I'll eat a whole bag of Doritos or Tostitos or Lay's Potato Chips in one sitting. But that's not good, right? That's almost certainly on the list of things I can't do on my diet. So I have a 1 pound bag of sun flower seeds sitting at my desk. Granted, they aren't the best diet food either but I'm only eating about a quarter of a serving size each day. I'll put a few in my mouth, suck off the salt, break open the hulls with my teeth and eat kernel inside. This way my mouth gets a workout like I actually ate something substantive, my body gets salt and I continue to successfully delude myself.

It's the working out part of diets that I don't like. I never have time for it unless I get up at some obscenely rediculous hour before the sun has even started thinking about Jimmy Dean sausages (Mmmmmmm....) and go to the Y or something. And as I mentioned before, working out did nothing to help me to lose weight. I don't jog. I mean, my knees are bad enough already and when professional athletes die from jogging, when even the guy who championed jogging dies from a heart attack while jogging, well I think it goes without saying that jogging is not a good idea.

I could walk for hours without really breaking a sweat, so I don't see how that would help. You have to ride your bike something like 5 miles or more uphill both ways before you get any benefit from that. And since where I live is only 14 feet above sea level, we aren't really known for our abundance of hills.

But I must find a way! I must prevail! Part of my midlife crisis involves changing my current way of being. Since I can't afford a BMW Z-4 roadster, I must find a way to return my body to its former state. I just wish I could find a diet that involved copious amounts of Goldfish crackers, sweet tea and video games.

There's always the Keith Richards diet: Jack Daniels and heroin. Nahhh. I really don't care for burboun that much.